The Animation Pimp

Do you loathe Christmas? Are you tired of those schmaltzy fake feel good holiday films that wax bad poetic about the true meaning of Christmas? Here’s an essential list of holiday viewings for the Christmas curmudgeon.

#10 It’s a Wonderful Life, Frank Capra, 1946
Take away the deux ex machina inspired resolution and you’ve got one very bleak film noir. It’s got suicide (sort of), drunks, death, sleaze, corruption, and child abuse.

#9 Edward Scissorhands, Tim Burton, 1990
It’s not technically a Christmas film, but with all that snow and Danny Elfman’s christmas friendly soundtrack, it sure feels like one. Regardless, they don’t come much more twisted than this tragic tale of a Frankenstein-like being (Johnny Depp) who is left with scissors for hands after his creator (Vincent Price) dies suddenly on Christmas.

#8 Female Trouble, John Waters (1974).
When bitchy teenager Dawn Davenport (Devine) doesn’t get Cha Cha shoes for Christmas, she goes crazy, attacks her parents, and runs away from home to become a fashion model/mass murderer. Now, that’s a Christmas story!
#7 Merry Freakin’ Christmas, Corky Quakenbush, 1996-2006
A delirious dvd collection of stop-motion parodies made for Mad-TV by animator Corky Quakenbush. Includes the hilarious Clops (where a heavily intoxicated Santa gets pulled over by cops and tells them he had “just a couple a nogs at the pole is all occifer.”) and the Rudolph parodies: Ragin’ Rudolph, The Reinfather, A Pack of Gifts Now. “The ho ho ho horror” (www.spacebassfilms.com)
#6 South Park: Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo, Trey Parker/Matt Stone, 1997
The idea of a kid believing that a talking piece of poo comes up the toilet bowl every year to bring gifts to fiber fueled kids is a fine ode to the ribald tradition. And the quartet of foul mouthed, self-absorbed children is darn close to the true nature of many half pints at Xmas.

#5 Christmas Holiday, Robert Siodmak, 1944
Gene Kelly. Deanna Durbin. All the makings of a classic Hollywood Christmas musical, right? Wrong. In fact, this film noir has little to do with the holiday season. After Christmas Mass, Durbin breaks down and tells a stranger how she discovered her husband (Kelly) was a murderer. One of the most bizarre entries in the classic Hollywood pantheon.

#4 Black Christmas, Bob Clark, 1974
Looking for a good dose of anti-Christmas Story, well look no further than its director Bob Clark. Before terrorizing us with Ralphie, BB guns, and leg lamps, Clark directed Black Christmas. During the Xmas holidays, a psycho menaces a gaggle of sorority girls. The film is bit cliche today, but it’s easy to forget that this was the pioneer of the slasher genre. With a cast that includes stellar Canadian thespians Andrea Martin, Margot Kidder, Art Hindle, and Doug McGrath (Pete, from the legendary Goin’ Down The Road) Black Christmas is a creepy Canadian classic guaranteed to take the life out of Xmas.

#3 Silent Night, Deadly Night, 1984
On Christmas eve, Little Billy sees his parents raped and murdered by a madman dressed as Santa Claus. Living in an orphanage, Billy, who is haunted by his parents’ death and hates Christmas, is treated brutally by the head nun. At 18, Billy gets a job at a toy store. Life is good until the store Santa gets injured and Billy is asked to take his place. Wearing the costume he has fear his whole life, Billy finally cracks and goes on a Christmas Eve killing rampage chanting “PUNISH!” before he kills. Until the generic slasher stuff begins, Silent Night is actually a pretty interesting character study.

#2 Star Wars Holiday Special, Steve Binder, 1978
Warning: Do not watch this sober or alone. It may cause confusion, pain and severe depression. Chewbacca and Han Solo battle Imperial Forces to get the Wookie home for his version of Christmas called Life Day. Along the way, we endure: a ten-minute opening spoken entirely in Wookie grunts; bizarre and painful cameos by Art Carney, Bea Arthur and Harvey Korman; and a foggy looking Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher later said she couldn’t remember making the show) attempting to sing. Like a car wreck, you can’t help but look, no matter how painful what you see might be.

#1 Bad Santa, Terry Zwigoff, 2003
There is no meaner, nastier Christmas film around than this hyper cynical tale about a pair of crooks (Billy Bob Thornton and Tony Cox) who pose as a store Santa and elf in order to rob department stores. Outstanding performances by Thornton and Bret Kelly (the kid) overshadow equally brilliant bits from John Ritter (”he’s not going to say f*** stick in front of the children is he?) and Bernie Mac. A dark, twisted and dysfunctional masterpiece that is guaranteed make your Christmas misery blissfully satisfying.
Originally appeared in The Ottawa Citizen, December 2006

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